Navigating Holiday Stress
It’s December! And we’re gearing up for family time.
Lots and lots of it.
Or not….Your choice!
Although, sometimes it doesn’t feel like a choice, does it?
Your parents want to see the baby. Your in-laws expect things to be the same as they always were. You feel as though you must comply and just figure it out, even though your life since baby arrived has changed.
We recently shared a reel poking fun at some of things that Boomers say. We know logically that advice shared by parents of previous generations mean well, but often, it doesn’t land, and can feel super invalidating! So, what to do, how to handle the differing opinions and needs within the family?
Because we like a list, here are a few ways to navigate them and points to consider, not just for the holidays, but always! When we integrate some of these things on a daily basis, holiday stress should (just about) melt away!
Open Communication:
We know this is important, we hear it all the time. And yet for some families, being open and honest can feel especially challenging when it hasn’t been the norm. Begin by expressing your gratitude for their perspective/advice and acknowledge that they’ve been through this before. That’s always a good way to start, and brings defensiveness down. State your needs firmly and clearly, and share your interest in learning about modern parenting practices based on current understandings of child development.
2. Respectful Listening:
Even if you don’t agree with what your parents say you should do, actively listen to them, it will show respect for their perspective which will foster openness in future conversations.
3. Get Clear on Your Parenting Values:
Take some time to think about what you valued as a kid. Do those values align now as you parent? Have things shifted? Values are a compass for us, guiding us through various decisions. Spend some time with your partner if you have one, discussing what your shared parenting values are. Being clear on what you value will help in conversations with family members when their advice doesn’t sit right with you.
4. Find Common Ground:
Identify areas where traditional and modern approaches align. Identify perhaps shared values between yourself and your parents!
5. Set Boundaries:
This is a big one, and could be it’s own post… or book!
Sometimes, setting boundaries can be viewed as a threat to the whole system. Asking for something to be different, or not going along with the way things always were can be seen as an unwelcome disruption. And yes, it is a disruption- in that you may no longer want to continue to engage in patterns that do not serve you and your new family.
Let your parents or other family members know where you appreciate their input and where you need space to make your own decisions. Be clear. Repeatedly.
6. Focus on what is within your control:
When people don’t change, or do not respect your boundaries, your only option (aside from not continuing the relationship) is to change your own reaction to them. If you want to maintain relationships with parents or other family members who refuse to change, then it becomes your work to accept the situation and build patience for what is outside of your control. It’s normal to have reactions and be bothered by certain situations or conversations, especially if we are comparing our own family’s situation to images of others (what we think they have) or the image of an ‘ideal’ family. You may look at shifting your expectations, your own behaviour in the relationship (are you enabling a continuation of their undesired behaviour?), you may use distance as a coping strategy, being careful with when you spend time with them, how much, and where. For the holidays in particular, it can be very useful to devise a plan in advance around time spent together.
7. Trust yourself.
Connect with your inner-knowing, an internal guide, or even coming back to the values that serve as your compass. When navigating challenging family patterns, this is your anchor.
