Disenfranchised Grief in Pregnancy Loss:
Reflections from current research on bereavement
Our friend and colleague, Dr. Karima Joy, recently defended her Phd thesis on the topic of Honouring Grief Experiences in Life, Death, and the Workplace: A Critical Analysis of Bereavement Accommodation for Workers in Precarious Employment in Canada
In reading her work, we were drawn to the chapter titled, “ The living need care”. You might be wondering how the workplace component of this research fits into our work here at Moon + Gem with pregnant individuals, new mothers, and seasoned mothers. Well, if you’ve been with us for a while now, you’ll know that we talk a lot about the labor of mothering. It is, in of itself, not only a full time job, but there are times when it can feel as though there’s not much “clocking out”.
Then, there’s also your income-earning workplace. While Dr. Joy’s thesis involves physical workplaces, bereavement, and precarious employment, it’s incredibly profound and resonant to our work —it speaks to the labour of mothering. In this context we see and interpret the workplace of motherhood as really being where your infant, or child is in your own lifespace. Mothering + parenting is emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual labour, and yet when a woman experiences a pregnancy loss or death of an infant there is not adequate space for the labour of bereavement. Not at home, and not at work. Healing from grief is no joke.
So what do we do when we lose a pregnancy or our infant passes away?
Dr. Joy’s work comments on the differing policies that are in place in Canada surrounding bereavement, for example a parent who loses a child is entitled to more bereavement time over other types of deaths. But what about those “invisible losses?” The ones that occur in the stalls of the bathroom. The dark of the night. Or in the shadows of a toddler? The ones that happen in the c-suite chairs.
We wonder, what if individuals who experienced pregnancy loss were entitled to bereavement care that actually matched their mental and physical health needs?
Currently in Ontario, according to the Government of Canada, here is what is offered:
If your pregnancy ends before 20 weeks, you could receive sickness benefits
If your pregnancy ends in week 20 or later, you could receive maternity benefits
In the circumstances where there is a loss of a child, we are entitled to up to 15 weeks of maternity benefits, however parental benefits are not available.
What about the mothers doing unpaid labour for their family? What resources will be provided to them? We know the basics: send food, offer child care, listen + validate, and hold space. Those are all supports and care for the living mother. But why does it only count when a child is lost, and not a pregnancy. Who decided that the bereavement accommodation in Canada should only apply to those who make it full term, those who are in positions of paid employment?
So what’s the point of this rant?
To raise awareness. To encourage reflection and discussion about what types of care will be provided to the mothers who have weathered the full experience of pregnancy loss. The surviving mother. She’s worthy of care and deserving of bereavement time too, whether she’s in paid or unpaid employment. She is a mother.
If you lead groups of women in the workplace or have a neighbour who’s experienced a death or a loss, know that the living need care too. The visibility of that loss shouldn’t be the differentiating factor when it comes to bereavement accommodation + compassion.
P.S. There is actually no commonly used word for the experience of a mother who loses a pregnancy or a child. We know “widow” and “orphan.”, but have you ever heard of “Vilomah”? This is the word, and yet, it goes unintegrated into our society and dialogue around pregnancy and infant loss.