Intensive Mothering
Have you heard of this? Surely the title alone can give you an idea of what we’re going to discuss here. Because mothering, and parenting- does feel intense. Sometimes, it’s really intense. What we want to do here, is break down why. What is happening, what is contributing to the intensity? For each individual; personally, there are likely many reasons as to what contributes to the anxiety, energy, tension, magnitude of the parenting experience. It may feel validating (or perhaps disheartening) to know, that the phrase ‘intensive mothering’ has been around for quite some time. In 1996, Sharon Hays published a book titled The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood, in which she coined the term. At the time of this post, it is 2023. Not much has changed.
In her book, Hays explored and traced the ideological evolution of ‘intensive mothering’ - a concept that essentially re-enforces and promotes the notion that the mother is solely responsible for the wellbeing of the children.
Hays wrote (in 1996!!) that the process of mothering (primarily from a Western worldview) has evolved to be child-centered, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labor-intensive, and financially expensive. How does this sit with you, reader? Does this ring true in your experience of caring for a child? And why is this the case? The thing to emphasize here (and which might help answer some of the why) is that we are operating within an individualistic, capitalistic and patriarchal framework.
The idea that mothering, that raising children is natural to the woman and that the mother is the main caretaker is one that has been refuted in literature and research many times previously. Which makes it all the more infuriating at how persistent the concept of “a mother’s instinct” is. Hay’s even draws on anthropologist Margaret Mead’s writings from the sixties, which pointed out that the nurturing ties between a woman and child are dependent on '“cultural patterning”. Hays shares Mead’s findings that in many cultures around the world, raising small children is not solely an individual responsibility- it is shared, often amongst women and older children.
In an effort to be “a good mom” (which often subconsciously translates to a “perfect mom”), mothers expend a tremendous amount of energy, time, and resources trying to attend to the needs of their children, the needs of work, of their partners, with their own coming in last, if at all. Through the sheer impossibility of this all, so many new mothers report feelings of exhaustion, overwhelm, anxiety, anger and rage. And because these internalized expectations of the ‘socially acceptable’ mother are never fully met, guilt arises in a big way too.
Let us continue to examine this web we have spun- how the messages of what motherhood is have influenced us, and how we perpetuate these beliefs too. Let us continue to question why. Continue to talk about motherhood and types of mothering as socially constructed, rather than ‘inherent’ or ‘natural’. To move towards dismantling the inherent racist and classist beliefs woven throughout the ‘intensive mothering’ ideology. To move towards child-rearing in the way that we choose in the present, and in the way that we would hope for in the future.
